Review of Walden Farms "Peanut" Spreads - I Would Rather Eat the Empty Jar

I bought both the regular peanut spread and the chocolate peanut spread because I was looking for a low-calorie alternative to peanut butter. I love peanut butter, but at 90 to 100 calories per tablespoon, it adds up fast when you're standing in the kitchen at 11:00 PM with a bag of celery sticks, trying to be good, but you've got questionable self-control. When I saw zero calories, my eyes lit up like I'd just discovered warp drive. I thought that even if this tasted somewhat like peanut butter, it would be a game changer.



This product does not taste somewhat like peanut butter. It does not taste remotely like peanut butter. It does not taste like peanuts were even allowed in the building during production. In fact, peanuts don't appear anywhere in the ingredient list, which should have been my first clue that I was about to make a terrible life decision. It lists peanut oil down around the 13th ingredient. That's entirely on me. This product has a 1.5-star rating with hundreds of reviews, and I ignored them all because apparently I enjoy learning expensive lessons the hard way.

The consistency is not that of a spread. Calling this a spread is like calling a puddle a floor covering. It pours like muddy water and clings like hot glue. I thought maybe the Florida heat had done something to it during shipping, so I put both jars in the refrigerator overnight. That accomplished absolutely nothing. The next morning, they were still as runny as the boogers coming out of a llama's nose.

The flavor is somehow salty, sour, bitter, and chemical all at the same time. It tastes like expired milk, motor oil, and regret. The chocolate version adds only the faintest suggestion that someone once drove a candy bar past the factory. Neither product tastes like peanuts, chocolate, or anything that should be consumed by humans or animals. My taste buds immediately filed a formal complaint and requested hazard pay.

I genuinely don't know how to dispose of these jars. I don't want to put them in the trash because I wouldn't wish this on a landfill. I don't want to pour them outside because local wildlife has suffered enough. My garbage disposal deserves better than this. If I had access to a rocket, I would launch both jars directly into the sun and consider it a public service. Even though the delta-v is lower if you want to leave the solar system entirely, I wouldn't want some alien civilization finding this and then coming to invade us because of it.

Now, if you are one of the rare people who actually enjoys this product, please contact me. I will gladly send you my two nearly full jars and pay the shipping myself just to get them out of my house. Save your money and buy real peanut butter, powdered peanut butter, or simply rinse out an empty peanut butter jar and drink the water. That would be infinitely closer to the taste you were hoping for. One star only because Amazon wouldn't let me give it negative 17.

LLAP
RR